"I used to be like you - Poor, lonely, and just trying to float through my boring life. Are you tired of your monotonous existence full of tedium and woe? Well, with the Sir Perky bottle topper, all that can change. I went from being fat, broke, and alone to being surrounded by voluptuous women and swimming pools full of two-dollar bills. I'm still fat, but that's beside the point. How did I make that change? Sir Perky! Yes, when my boss, my priest, and my mother-in-law witnessed the magic spewing from Sir Perky's cavernous orifice, I knew my life would be changed forever. With your own Sir Perky bottle topper, you can make that change too. He is a truly adaptable being, based on your moods. Do you want him to eject fiery liquids as if he just ate a huge bowl of lamb vindaloo, Mountain Dew, and Chipotle? Then load him up with sriracha or brown mustard. Do you want him to excrete something that would warrant a trip to the hospital only to be revealed that he has 30 different types of rectal cancer? The screw him on a bottle of ketchup. O do you just want him to have a normal, healthy bowel-moving experience? Then allow some chocolate syrup to flow through him with the quickness of Hermes. With the Sir Perky bottle topper, your life can have meaning again. Are you ready for than change? Are you ready for Sir Perky?."

"Disgusting when used with the mustard bottle - which is exactly the point!!!"

"Surprised to see that this thing is really well made. Very hard, solid plastic that should last years and years. The... ehh... um... mhmm... “plug” you insert is... err... tight and snug. It creates a good solid seal to keep your condiments fresh and squirty."